Trials...

“The Lonely” - Christina Perri

I feel so helpless sometimes. Feels like I’m finally at a place I’m happy with myself, but if the person who means the most to me is in an unhappy place, what can I do to help? Nothing seems to be the answer, and it’s really stressful doing nothing. Speaking up makes things worse, digs at raw wounds, but yet if things are left unmentioned, there is no progress. I like to believe that allowing things to “flow” only benefits those who are lucky to a fault, a luxury some of us don’t have. What can I do? Nothing. I’m at a dead circle. It hurts me knowing that I’m being hurtful… I keep praying that it’s the “right” thing to do, but I keep doubting myself. Sigh. I haven’t had painful times like this in a while… Time to toughen up again? I hope it doesn’t mean building walls again. I don’t want to go back to living like that. Simplifying my life has been amazing, let’s not turn that around and complicate things, shall we?

Strength, perseverance, diligence, and compassion. I need to harness those traits and make them mine. I won’t forget my blessings. I promise I won’t.

MLK Jr. Day

“Discombobulate” - Hans Zimmer

Every year this day comes around, I’m humbled by the thought that there are strong people out there who fight for our civil rights. As retarded as this country’s government can be at times, there are times when such justices are won. I applaud and appreciate that, and to those historical figures that fight hard and gave their lives so everyone can be treated equally, you have my (and many other people’s) gratitude and appreciation.

To that note, thankfully CA is no longer outlawing gay marriage. Love prevails!

Cleaning a bit, doing laundry, eating leftovers, playing LoL ARAM. Ahhhh what a lovely Monday despite being sick! Did I mention it’s quite hot for winter? Quiiiiite.

One week left!

Water…

I have one week left and then I’m homeward bound!!!! It’s been nearly four years, jeeeeebus, too long! Loktin is in his double digits, and there are six friggin’ kids now. Six. Holy moly that’s a lot of children! I feel old, and old, and old. Thoroughly old. Life’s been good with snags here and there, so looks like today is one of those days. I’m getting sick this close to our trip, and I exploded today. Not fun. I’ve been so used to being happy that when something like this comes my way, I just about go insane. Sigh. Need to work on that. I’m thankful for so much but yet… I don’t know if this the best for me. I don’t know. I’m worried and sad to think like that, but I could just be moody with the bloody moon overhead. It’s going away, slowly, not fast enough, needs to speed up! GO AWAY MOON! Hopefully switching my medication back to something heavier (because I’m heavier too, fuck that shit) to balance out my moods. Sigh. We’ll see how that works out.

I’m tired of being strong. Can I take a break. I need a break or something. Fuck.

But! ONE WEEK LEFT!!! I can make it SO!!!!!

Troublesome days

“All I Do Is Dream Of You” - Michael Bublé

I have a pretty damn good life these days, but some days make me feel like shit. Today would be one of those days. With my birthday around the corner, I am reminded that I always get like this around this time of year. Yeah, getting old sucks, responsibilities suck, but what sucks more is having to put up with crap when I feel like I should deserve a little downtime on my birthday? Nope. Sigh. Need to relax.

Patrick Steward is AMAZING

Air conditioning!

Plug: One Lemon to Beam Up • Let me tell you a thing, about an amazing man…

This is amazing. Watch the video too, it had me in tears. ::sniffles:: Patric Steward is an awesome man indeed! He rose to fame and made a difference for society, that has got to be one of the most amazing feats ever. So amazing. Simply a wonderful human being who is an absolute inspiration to men and women alike. WOW!

Sick again

Trash trucks outside o_O

I hate being sick. It’s been like 2 months of on and off sickness, and apparently my doctor thinks it’s because bacteria is growing inside my sinus cavity and making me sick repeatedly due to post sinus drip, which happens chronically since I have the most annoying allergies lasting all year long. GRAWR!!! No meds, but I do have fresh lemon, honey, and cinnamon in water. Probably the most delicious thing I can taste with my throat hurting and making my tongue feel retardedly dead. I hope my throat swab turns out to be just the run of the mill infection, but I won’t find out until 48 hours later. Oh well. Tons of sleep for me today.

NEED MOAR FLUIDS. I learned today that my sinus is *always* congested because of my allergies. Lovely.

Oh so. I always turn out sick on the days work has some fabulous event, party, or free food. ALWAYS. Wtf seriously? Everyone has been bussed to the city at noon until EOD for boozing and munching, and here I am, at home. Grawr! WHY! I want free food! Eff the booze, I WANT FOOD! My fault for getting sick; I work too much and stress out my goddamn immune system weekly. I need to find some way to fix this. Le sigh.

More sleep today. And maybe some LoL. I need to do some work though, bleh, while everybody parties, I work… Bummer.

Christianity and LGBT

I wish people would stop putting Christianity against LGBT issues. There is no AGAINST here, just dumbass Christians who are against LGBT issues. God is love, what part of LOVE is absent in LGBT issues? For crying out loud people, get your head out of your proverbial arses with the diction of the Word and realize that the Word is LIVING and the LIVING WORD is LOVE. GO GROW YOURSELF A HEART AND BRAIN PLEASE.

Had to get that out of my head before I explode on some random individual…

Cranky cranky cranky!!!

I hate, HATE my hormonal imbalance!!!! I’m just about as temperamental and pissy as a headless chicken. Inside, anyway. Trying to remain calm and composed. Composed. While I keep thinking about slaughtering. And more. Like blood. Everywhere. Daydreaming about it. All day long. Alysia fed me an english muffin with crunchy peanut butter, and I added some flax seeds to it, so my hunger is temporarily subdued, but I can TASTE the apple vinegar in my mouth still. The eff? BLOOD AND GUTS.

I hate, hate, hate not being stabilized. Hate.

EQUALITY!!!!

“In His Touch” - Celine Dion

Plug: Home - Equality California

YES! FINALLY! Supreme Court ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional, so yessssss!!!! Obviously I’m not planning to marry any ladies, but this is the just about the happiest news I’ve heard in a very long time. Prop 8 was one of the most disastrously sad things for this state. For the progression of mankind. I was so happy to see other states slowly turn over to believing in equality, but what the hell with the people in this state!? I have so many LGBT friends whom I wished over and over that they could have the same treatment as heterosexual couples. No more bullshit, people, this fight is for treating everyone as human beings and not as some lesser being just because some of us love differently.

Sigh.

I can finally breathe. I feel a little better for Americans. Now onto other issues, folks!

Now I have one more for-sure wedding to look forward to. EXCITED! *_________*

Monthly anniversary!

“Secret Base (Piano Version)” - ZONE

25 November 2011. Hm. A year and seven months. Bliss. :3 I count each and every month because it reminds me of how lucky I am and how far I’ve gone. Never thought I’d find happiness in a relationship because of my history, but yet, here I am. And all is well. Better than that, it’s fabulous!

This week is insanely long, however. I want to get out of here so badly. I want to relax, enjoy time with my love, and walk all over the place!! BUFFETS!!!! SHOWS!!! Omg shows, so excited, never been despite all the times I’ve gone, so W00T!!! Oh man oh man!!!

And so I’ve resorted to ranting to myself again. It’s one of those days. When you want to strangle everybody. Mmm…

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