“Fill My Heart” - Taniyama Kishou

So far so good, my mood swings have been better. But. I’m also in my up-week. So. I don’t know for sure yet. I *do* find myself thinking stupid things from time to time, but overall I’m not as volatile, not saying that I don’t feel down sometimes. It’s just that.. I got my drug for a few days straight it seems. I’m being consistent, right? Today I didn’t. And I feel a bit like lapsing. Ugh. I can’t believe the weekend is rolling in already, I hate being unemployed! T_T Where can I look for a job next? I’m so sad about that…

You know, looking at my life right now, despite being out of a job, I’m actually at a pretty decent place. Let’s see if I’m on an uphill or a downhill starting now, shall we?

“Mezame no Tazunebito” - Ootani Ikue

Plug>> モリベル BLOG - おまえら第35弾！

DUDE. DUDE. DUDE. I know the post is old but. DUDE.

“DECEMBER DREAM” - Konishi Katsuyuki, Miyano Mamoru

I went to the Huntington Library today for the first free Thursday of each month, courtesy of a free ticket from Zomi, even though I didn’t even need to use it. ^_^;; It was a nice day but it was quite hot, so I spent thirty minutes in one of the galleries and the last thirty minutes wandering around taking pictures. I actually think I covered quite a bit of ground outdoors for such a short period of time. Pretty fun, but would’ve been better if someone had gone with me, although that would mean I’d see less things. I took a bunch of pictures and posted to Facebook if anybody’s interested!

“Doshaburi LONELY HEART” - Seki Tomokazu

Oh Tenma, you know how I feel. :S

AND SEKI’S BIRTHDAY IS ONLY ONE WEEK AWAY!!! NYOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!

I hope Seki doesn’t feel like Tenma in this song, I want him to be happy. Be happy for me, Seki!!! ♥

“Yume no Tochuu” - WaT

You know, I’m just not comfortable thinking beyond my scope of things at the moment. How am I supposed to instantly change my mind, or rather, change how I feel? At the drop of a hat? I’m trying to clear my head but it’s just not working. I’m feeling quite messed up. Nobody’s fault but my own. I hate it.

Why am I old fashioned, Ryan? >(!

“SANCTUARY ~Yes/No~” - Kishio Daisuke

Oh look, tomorrow’s September. Do I dread it? Yes I do. But what I don’t dread is the arrival of SEKI’S BIRTHDAY!! THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS!! Oh I’m excited!! Seki is the bomb of all bombs! Most precious of the precious to me and everybody! Okay maybe just me and all us Seki fangirls, but c’mon, you people HAVE to admit that our dear Seki Tomokazu is worth celebrating. With that in mind, WHAT SHALL I DO!? OMG! I haven’t posted on LJ in fucking ages, and I don’t have any new material to share or information to really update and… the horror!! Oh Seki, I faaaail!!! 8D But in my heart you will always be the best of the best, and I will be your insane fangirl until the end of time.

Well, that sure says a lot about what kind of life I lead. Aka. None. ^_^

Er anyhow, I had a pretty mixed weekend. I was in pretty decent spirits on Sabbath, and then it got really bad in a short time and I stormed off… And then Sunday was great hanging out with a friend until yesterday. Fun times, going out and being away from all that stresses me out is great. I seriously need a life, it would make things easier on my sanity for sure. I learned to open up more about things, and to um, control my more impulsive side. Right. Well, still working on it actually. 8D Either way, I got what I wanted to do accomplished and it feels great.

On the flipside of things, I have a lot on my mind, about how to manage my personal matters and such. I’m reluctant to branch out with too much effort, too little chance of success with my track record and mentality. How to think outside of the box? Hm. How to stop being so critical and calculating about everything? Seriously, how did I end up being so difficult anyway? I always thought I was pretty easy-going, or well, I always tried to seem it haha. ::facepalm:: Presentation fail.

Well, talking around the skirts of topics is always confusing so I’ll just stop. At least I got it out of my head so I can do other things in peace.

“Have FUN!” - Morita Masakazu

I think it’s high time that I restarted my daily list of Thankful Three. Really. Things have been quite hellish to me, and perhaps this will help steer me on a more positive path. So despite all the crap that I dealt with today including that one creepy dude, I shall find light in my darkness…

Sabbath Thankful Three
1. Joseph. For recounting stories about Bob. Sharing his happiness with me makes me beam with pride.
2. John. For checking up on me after I left and chatting to make sure I was okay.
3. Dude. For talking to me after his long work day helped alleviate my stress.

Thank you to the aforementioned three persons. Thank God that people like you exist, because whether they know or not, they’re a positive influence on me. And as an addenum, thank you, God, for watching over me. I was a little too upset to be driving home instantly when I did earlier tonight, and thank you for delivering me home safely.

“Hear in Heaven” - Fukuyama Jun

Better, at last. Water down, mood stabilized, thoughts sorted, showered. Mmm. Ah, nights, always the best time of day for me…

“Hono’o no Namida de Nakijyakure” - Takahashi Naozumi

I just downed way too much water along with my vitamins and I can FEEL the tablets floating at the base of my throat. Not to mention a throbbing pain in my esophagus down to my stomach. Why do I do this to myself? Oh yeah. Waiting for my stomach to slowly drain the water, but it’s taking a hell of a long time. Maybe I should just vomit it out of something bleh, since the vitamin C dissolving in the water is probably what’s burning my esophagus. Feels like heartburn, except it’s water…

Sigh.

Waiting…

“永遠の願い” - Seki Tomokazu

I know my hormones, mood, and body are pretty effed up right now, but I’ve been thinking. I had been thinking about leaving church for some time and talked about it before, maybe what happened tonight is the sign for me to start considering this seriously. I start taking something tomorrow, and hopefully more than one thing will start stabilizing, so… We’ll see!

Ah my poor stomach. It hurts. :(